obsessed with moss

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2011-09-04T14:18:00.000-07:00

Please check this song out. Powerful is the only word I can think to say.

Jacques Brel-Ne me quitte pas (Eng. Subtitles)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=za_6A0XnMyw&feature=player_embedded

2011-09-04T12:43:00.000-07:00

When I listen to my favorite music, I sometimes feel sad and old. It never changes, but the world sure does. A myriad of feelings and experiences shared with a generation that has moved on. It feels like its just me now. In truth I am pretty old, and that does make me sad.

I'll love him til I die

2011-08-25T00:09:00.000-07:00

I love Skeeter. Such an effortless, natural voice.

2011-08-24T00:56:00.000-07:00

I went to New York to visit Laura. It was really overrated I think, but not many people agree. I told my parents that I thought it sucked and they were mad at me. If I'm gonna suffer wanton rudeness and pretension at the hands of strangers I'd rather be in a place with real culture and history (Paris for example).

Willamsburg, Brooklyn... Woof!

I had 3 pizza experiences in 3 different parts of the city, all were pretty bad. That was what I most dreamed about and what really crushed my spirit.

Walking in Central Park on her birthday was fun, and we did get good food at this place called "Good enough to eat", talk about accurate advertising. Riding on the subway made me feel like I was in a video game or anime show every time. I felt this curious urge to jump on the tracks and run into the darkness, but I didn't.

Black Wings, Black Words

2011-07-28T14:24:00.000-07:00

Heavy week. Heavy heart.

I long for the arrogant certainty of childhood. I feel 30 looming. It's not going to be pretty.

Skype is one the wonders of the modern world. I made an account finally, patrick.landfair, add me. I'm lonely here, and would love to talk to you, whoever you are.

I've been devouring George R.R. Martin's "A Song Of Ice and Fire" saga. I'm 900 pages into his 4th book of the series, "A Feast For Crows". It's the weakest offering yet, but still pretty good. Too much political intrigue and introspection for me, not enough Direwolves and Dragons and 500,000 man battles. I can't wait to finish it and start on "A Dance Of Dragons", I bought a gigantic hardcover with special maps and stuff, its so much cooler than the paperbacks I'm used to. The way the story is going, this one is set up to be more action packed, at least to start.

My whole family has switched over to E-Readers and can't seem to stop espousing the merits of digital print to me, but I am not sold. I hate the grey screen of the kindle, and the backlit Nook. My eyes just don't feel good looking on them. It's somehow too stimulating, and far too sterile. I hate going one page at a time, it ruins the rhythm I have of skimming both pages quickly and then reading them more deliberately. I can't really explain it, but having two pages to see at a time is really important to me. I much prefer reading analog, and I don't think I'm likely to change my mind.

ahhhh

2011-07-22T23:02:00.000-07:00

Le Sighhhh......

Reminds me a bit of this song in spirit. I'm really big on Sebastien Tellier. This is one of the more haunting songs I've heard.

Goodbye
The lion stares high
And all the universe cries
For your memory
I hate I
Oh, could you lead my lips to sigh

Somehow, I smothered rainbows
And all the universe crawls
Farthest ends of me
I'm in now

Homewards, he dealed with scarecrows
And all the universe knows
Wailing finally
I would roar

Oh, could you fail in me
Sin calls

Goodbye
I've wandered 'round isles
And all the universe cries
For your memory
I warned I
Oh, starry are your spheres, delight

2011-07-21T00:55:00.001-07:00

I just posted to my livejournal, I feel like I need at least one post a year there. I've had it for ten years I just realized. That makes me feel really sad.

My girlfriend moved to new york, crazy times. I have a lot more time to read right now, I've been loving that. It's too hot to do much else.

I love summer. It's such a celebration of life. And life is the best.

Every day here has a heat index of over 100 and humidity of 90+%. Some days my dog hardly even wants to go for a walk once we get outside. Cicada's sing her to sleep as I scratch her chin. Lazy Junebugs bang against our screen door and sometimes my bedroom window when my lamp is on late at night.

I love smelling the magnolia trees in the shade of those shiny dark leaves.

I love finding Crape Myrtle blossoms in my hair when I get into bed.

I love going to Dixie Cafe my Grandmother and visiting over a plate of fried catfish, fried okra, sweet corn, and turnip greens. She tells me about when she was young, how movies cost a dime and a quarter would get you a ticket, a bag of popcorn, and a box of milkduds. She tells me song lyrics I would really get a kick out of. "Ain't We Got Fun", and some old Cole Porter song which escapes me. We talk about Alien life and Art Bell. She doesn't have much time left, she talks about that sometimes too. I hope she has another decade in her at least, I can't imagine raising children in a world without her.

Walking in the rain

2011-03-26T15:09:00.000-07:00

Last night was chilly, it got back into the 60's. Around 2 am there was another lovely thunderstorm. All day I've been thinking of that Ronnettes song, "Walking In The Rain".

I can't get enough of girl groups. I've been listening to Northern Soul singers more lately too, or U.S. hits that only made it big in The UK. If English people like a pop hit, it probably rules, they are NOT playing.

I'm happy in Little Rock, but I'm lonesome without my friends. I've never been lonesome in this way before, its strange. I really love my time I have with my family and my girlfriend, but I miss having friends to be with. The only person in my world right now that has similar cultural sensibilities is my mom. She's not chopped liver, but I wish I had a friend here that wanted to watch a foreign film, or share snobby opinions on music and pop culture.

Richard St. John's 8 secrets of success | Video on TED.com

2011-03-17T00:31:00.000-07:00

Richard St. John's 8 secrets of success | Video on TED.com

I don't have the patience for self help books, so this was nice.
For future reference.

It's good to touch the green green grass of home.

2011-03-14T02:53:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep, but it just so happens there is an incredibly powerful thunderstorm happening right now so its not all bad. I'm missing my friends. As I'm typing a crack of thunder shook the windows and made me jump. And now, after only a few minutes, the storm is rolling past. The rain is mostly gone now, although I can see lightning in the distance, and the drain outside is chugging along just the same.

I'm missing my friends. Missing the levity and simplicity of youth. My life has changed significantly in the last 4 months. It's all progress, I don't doubt that, but its hard sometimes. I don't want to grow up. I guess thats why I'm still not a grown up.

Spring is here. It's the season that makes life worth anything, the time when I feel good just being alive. There will never be enough good poems about it, its awe inspiring. Its my first southern Spring in 14 years and I'm a fool for it, I don't want it to ever end.

I really love Laura. Seeing her is the best part of my day. I feel like I can be myself completely with her, something I've never been able to say before with a girl. Tomorrow she starts production on Hairspray, I think her character is named Amber? She's the blond mean girl in the play in any case. Anyway, we won't see each other much between now and May 8th. She's free in the day and I'm free at night, what an inversion!
Oh, I meant to write about this when it happened, but last weekend we went to Brinkley to meet her family. I think it was a hit, her dad gave me an Elvis pillow and told me I had a workers hands. Her mom made me cheese grits, it was pretty cool. The next day I went to Graceland with Laura, and I think its safe to say that it was a life changing experience for me. I don't want to overstate anything, but I will say this: the night before we left I played "Blue Eyes Crying In The Rain" for Laura, and on the tour we learned that Elvis actually played that on his piano for friends just hours before he died. Coincidence, or spiritual kinship?

2011-03-11T01:07:00.000-08:00

I want to read Hesiod next. Writing this on here so I don't forget.

I'm so sad that Japan is getting hit so hard. Like so many nerdy men in the world I love Japan, it is dear to my heart. I think we all should intercede for all the sweet, scared people there. Prayer seems so futile in the face of something like this, but I know it isn't. I'm breaking my Lenten fast to stay up and watch CNN, I guess I'll do better tomorrow...

Before I sleep:
I HATE WHEN MAJOR MEDIA OUTLET NEWS PROGRAMS QUOTE TWITTER IN BREAKING NEWS. I CANNOT EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH. IT IS SO INANE AND CORNY. BROADCASTERS ARE PAID TO INFORM US WITH PROFESSIONAL SOURCES, NOT READ THEIR TWITTER FEED OVER LIVE TV.

This is no ordinary love

2011-01-06T23:53:00.000-08:00

Being in love is fun. I don't know how we're going to make it work but I know there is a happy ending for us.

I spent the past four days in New Orleans with my brother, James, and my dad. It was a trip for the ages, practically every moment just felt soaked in fate. I had the best talks with my brother of my life thus far, and my dad was so happy the whole time. Bourbon St. in full revelry was scary and exciting. Seeing the French Quarter in an alcohol haze, walking to the swung beats of dixieland bands, eating beignets with James at midnight at Cafe Du Monde, talking in our rooftop hot tub til well after sunrise, the roar of the superdome, and the thick swampy fog of lake ponchetrain... all of these memories I will hold close for as long as I'm able. My beloved Hogs lost a close and hard fought game, but I'm still proud of them and my fellow statesmen for taking New Orleans by storm and turning The Big Easy into The Pig Easy for a week. We may have lost the game, but we sure as hell won the party.

A video my brother took right before The Sugar Bowl.

"If you don't fuck wit' me, then I don't fuck witchu"

2010-12-22T03:06:00.000-08:00

I'm seeing a girl in Little Rock. I met her because she's in a play with my littlest sister, Julia. I asked her to dinner and its been really intense every day since. She's so pretty and sweet, and we believe the same things mostly which is really significant to me. She's more simple than I am, and I don't mean that in a dismissive or condescending way, I admire it a lot. We couldn't be more different in a lot of ways; she is so southern, has probably never heard a quarter of the music that I love, she was a cheerleader in high school and I was punk, she was in a sorority and stuff, I've toured around the country in creepy vans and slept in cat piss soaked squats. Maybe that's not getting the point across, I'm just trying to say that to me its an unlikely pairing of people. There are a lot of mixed emotions involved because neither of us wants to do a long distance thing. I really want to go back to Seattle, she really wants me to stay. Plus she's moving to Manhattan in July to do more theatre.

I have only known her for a week, but its complicating my plans a lot. I have a ticket back to Seattle for Jan 6th. I could delay the flight to a later date, and then what? She would just end up in New York before either of us know it. I don't want it to just fizzle out, I seriously don't like anyone ever and this is special to me. I feel differently about it a bunch of times every day. What should I do? I just can't say...

Smog

2010-12-10T23:16:00.000-08:00

I think I relate to the lyrics of this song more than anything I've heard in the last, say, 5 years. There is a steady rain outside, I hear it against the windows when the wind picks up. I hear our drainpipes gurgling. Autumn leaves are almost all gone. I just turned out all the lights, and Lucy is snoring at my feet. My jacket smells like smoke from the fireplace. Posting in the hopes that this will jog my memory, this specific one, some day in the distant future

Winter weather is not my soul

But the biding for spring...

Why's everybody lookin' at me

Like there's something fundamentally wrong?

Like I'm a Southern bird

That stayed North too long.

Winter exposes the nest

And I'm gone.

2010-12-02T21:56:00.000-08:00

Alanis Morrisette's album, Jagged Little Pill, is so incredibly good. It was the first pop album I bought with my own money. I still think about those songs almost daily. I was sort of in love with her as an 11 year old, her and Gwen Stefani. I should make a post about Tragic Kingdom, but I digress...

1995 was a big year for me, we got cable and I watched MTV obsessively, back when all they played was music videos (besides Beavis and Butthead, The State, The Real World and The Max). Pretty much everything on MTV in that era was amazing. 120 minutes, headbangers ball, even Yo! Mtv Raps. No, ESPECIALLY Yo! Mtv Raps.

The music video for Ironic is one of my all time Fav's, it takes me to a really happy place. Here is the link to the official video, I can't embed it, thanks WMG!

The song itself is so well written, and the vocals have a strong Cocteu Twins vibe on the "Life has a funny way" bridge. The lyrics are dumb, whatever, I don't care about lyrics though.

Here is a Weird Al spoof which is made up of about 3/4 the original video. I was obsessed with Weird Al from age 9 to 17. If I'm ever famous or rich I really want to hang out with him.

You don't have to be a baby to cry

2010-11-17T17:27:00.000-08:00

My friend Eric just broke me off, I can't say how much I enjoy this song.

It's so cold today! I walked to Fremont, had the most unpleasant time with the wind and my runny nose, its a miracle I ever leave the house at all these days. My big thing recently is listening to audio books while I walk. Right now it is The Once And Future King by T.H. White, an all time favorite of mine. I think I have never related to a character more than I did to Lancelot as a kid. Of course I wasn't freakishly strong or handsome, but the whole self loathing, unloved, fatal flaw thing was something I could understand, even in my pre-pubescent state. I dream of one day finding love, but like Lancelot I think its always going to be the bad kind, I just don't like hardly anyone. People that like me are generally suspicious/absurd or genius. People who don't are either idiots or immensely attractive. At least I haven't knocked anyone up like he did, or slept with a married woman.

2 days until I go home. I'm basically killing time until then. I really have only a handful of friends. I know these things go in cycles, its low tide though and I'm a little bit frightened. One day you pull your mind out of that all pervading self obsession and realize everyone else has moved on while you're still childish and alone as ever.

I will end on my favorite recent phrase that I listened to (read?) today on my walk. "seraphic smile". That is all.

2010-11-16T23:04:00.000-08:00

If this doesn't give you goosebumps, you're just dead.

2 things

2010-11-12T11:29:00.000-08:00

I've come to post two things. The first thing is that I went to sleep at midnight and woke up at 6:30 a.m. the past two nights, and I feel so much better than I usually do. I've talked with Danielle about starting a sleep log, maybe this is the beginning of that. To the handful of people that have somehow chanced up upon this "blog", I'm sorry, it doesn't get more inane than this.

The second thing is that I love country music, and I really wish I were back in Dixie. In one week from today I will be back home, I am just trying to fast forward each day until then. I wish I could ride my old horse, Blue. He was a good boy, we had some really good times. I miss the way he would meet me at the gate every day, the way he smelled, the way it felt when he ate carrots and sugar out of my hand.

Sub point to my second thing:
This song made me cry today. I am a little emotional this morning and I guess it just set me over the edge, but the sentiment is so powerful and relevant for me and for all of us. Who's gonna fill their shoes? Who today can tear my heart out when they sing? Who today has a direct tie (not imagined like a lot of terrific and mediocre artists i.e. the white stripes, the sadies, all the saddle creek junk, Ryan Adams) to the rich history of the south as it once was, the grand ole opry, the wabash cannonball, etc? What singer is larger than life in the force of nature way Johnny Cash was? Crickets... That just makes me want to cry, and so I let myself do just that for a brief moment. First time I've had tears on my cheeks in I don't know how long. Also, the chord progression is really moving, that was definitely part of it.

I wish

2010-10-31T18:06:00.000-07:00

I wish this look was more fashionable. Judge me if you must, but I have always been fond of Mod girls. A lot of these are over the top, but then that is sort of the point.

http://digilander.libero.it/guido_1953/pics/miniskirts/miniskirts-girls.htm

If I had more money I would be markedly more Mod-ish. Time to watch Quadrophenia again.

Recently found out that these guys shared a manager with The Stones. Love The Small Faces. Hell of a song.

They're looking SOOOO sharp here. It's a shame that they're so famous for Tommy, they sucked by then...

le sigh

2010-08-11T05:01:00.000-07:00

It's so easy to laugh, it's so easy to hate, it takes strength to be gentle and kind

2010-08-10T13:35:00.000-07:00

Conviction is such a blessing. I'm grateful, without it I would just keep being evil. Every good thing in me is there because Jesus put it there.

Sing Your Life

2010-08-07T17:24:00.000-07:00

Ah, that itch to write. Bring my blog, I feel to scratch it.

Now I've started, but now what? Its been so long. A lifetime of experiences have come and gone in the time between blogging. I'm still not used to that word, and I hope that I never am. "Blog". Nope, I still hate it.

I guess a brief chronicle of my summer so far might be useful to my future self. Turns out my memory is horrible so these things are really nice

First: I quit my job sometime in the middle of June. I gave my two week notice and everything. I could go deeper but that job is one thing I wouldn't mind forgetting.

3 or 4 days after I was done there, I flew to Chicago (Geneva/St. Charles to be precise) for my Cousin Lila's wedding. *This is painful to write, it feels like a school project. I will persevere.* My uncle Morley was really lit up (he's bipolar you see). He believed he had been struck by lightning and that it had activated his entire consciousness. Really its just that his oldest daughter was getting married and it triggered a serious manic episode. It was really fun and funny at first as it always is. Luckily I stayed away for much of the fallout afterward. He ended up being arrested and hospitalized. He was fine after 3 weeks, which is great for him. The last time he was this high he lived in a wigwam for 6 months (no, really). Well I stayed there for about a week because I missed my flight back to Little Rock. I drove back down with my alcoholic aunt and my brother, who was feverish at the time. I drove straight there in something like 12 hours.

I stayed in Arkansas for about a month. Not much to tell, I watched a lot of TV and ate like a king. My grandpa bought me this old 1990 Dodge ram 15 passenger van for $800. I love it. On my last night in Little Rock I had the Honeycutters play at my house, it was a smashing success. I drove all the way from Little Rock to Seattle by myself. Along the way I broke down in Twin Falls and stayed with the Thompsons in Boise for two days.

Now I'm back in Seattle. Its so mild here, I really like it. Today its raining. I'm feeling a little blue. Not much to look forward to. Disconnected from some of the people I care about. Disappointed in some others. Angry at my lazy self. Pretty normal stuff.

Oh yeah, day before yesterday I went to the Seattle Art Museum and saw their Andy Warhol exhibit. It inspired me. Especially the 16mm screen tests they were showing. There was one especially, this girl Anne Buchanon. Over the course of 2-3 minutes her eyes welled up and big tears rolled down her face. She was very pretty, her hair was the best part. She kept the same impassive expression throughout though, thats the remarkable thing. I keep wondering what it was that made her cry. Or maybe she was just showcasing her ability to cry on command? I'll probably never know, but I hope I can remember her face.

I have to go

Writing on my blog, being hip.

2010-05-21T11:17:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what the word "hipster" means. Lots of people sure do though. The only kind of personal titles I'm interested in are the ones people give themselves.

I guess this is all to say that any form of hipster stereotyping (which is really hype right now) really irritates me, because its either making fun of something super obvious and which is not really funny, or it is its own form of elitism, which is self defeating (in the enterprise of making fun of elitists). The "hipster" and the critic are both operating on different paradigms, each seeing their own approach to life as normative. For you philosophy people I am mostly referring here to Thomas Kuhn's seminal work The Structure of Scientific Revolutions. Anyway, these dialogs are sort of like high school all over again, and one trip through that was enough for me.

And like the man says... "It doesn't matter what you call yourself, its how you carry yourself". I suppose by extension it doesn't matter what you call someone else, its how they carry themselves.

I'm back

2010-04-20T12:13:00.001-07:00

California was so perfect, I wish I were still there, sleeping on our boat and hanging out with my family. I was there for four days this weekend, my sister got married and I was a groomsman.

I love my sister Emily so much, and the raw emotion on her face was overwhelming to watch during the ceremony. I could feel waves of sobs being choked back in the congregation behind me all service. I'm not saying I could hear them, because they were being choked back of course. I could feel them though. You understand.

She really has what she always has wanted, and to see her so happy makes me unspeakably pleased and grateful. Some people suffer, some people prosper. I won't pretend that I understand it or that I'm not endlessly troubled by it, but when God is so good to my family time and time again all I can feel is gratitude. We've really come a long way, and no one really understands the extent of it but us seven people.

I'd like to write more now, but I just worked all night and I have to work again tonight. I hate my job, must quit it.

2010-04-09T21:56:00.000-07:00

Just wasted most of the day to go mix in northgate, we didn't get much done at all. Phil said we'd be done after a half day, now he wants to start all over on 4 out of 5 songs. The bus is not as charming as it was before I started using it everyday. This mix failure made me kind of down on doing the band, this recording seems like it will never end.

Pretty depressed. Don't have much to look forward to. "Another Day Of Nothing".

When I got back home, my roommates band was practicing. They are so horrible, the kind of horrible that makes you feel embarrassed for them. That's just at first though, then you get really mad that it won't stop. You fantasize about throwing water balloons downstairs on them, and telling them off. You could say "you're the worst band I've ever heard", but how can you even quantify such a thing? It probably wouldn't be true. You could tell them that they are in a "metal" band and yet they have never listened Slayer, but they wouldn't hear your meek voice over the PBR belches. You wish the neighbors would call the cops. Its really pathetic being this passive.

My 3 day break is over, Taylor is driving me to work tonight, he really is a good friend to me.

I think of the song "Suzanne" a lot. I need to tell this girl that shes wasting her time on me, that I "have no love to give her". But maybe she'll get me on her wavelength once I do. Its a funny thought. I really can't feel anything for any girl, there's something busted inside me. Sure I find different ones attractive, I'm still alive after all. I enjoy being wanted, and telling myself I want something. But once it starts getting deep, I can't go any farther. I'm not really sure what my deal is. I don't know if I really want anything.

I really like being encouraging, I don't want to bring anyone down. Its a good thing only a handful of people ever see stuff like this then. Sometimes in life I just have to close my eyes and hold on and wait for things to get better. They always do, but its hard to believe it all the time.

2010-04-03T20:28:00.000-07:00

I hate this job and this vampire schedule. I don't have much of a social life any more. I can't go to the church I like. I'm having insane mood swings. I feel really really old. I feel tired.

Flipside: I've lost a bunch of weight and started getting stronger. I've been listening to lots of music, almost too much really. But this has given me a chance to reassess my Tom Waits aversion. The jury is still sort of out, but I really appreciate the jazz standardyness of some songs and his melodies are really memorable at times, as are the lyrics. I guess I'm at a point where I can say I appreciate him as a song writer. The whole white boy Louis Armstrong thing still grates on me, but not to the point of red hot rage like it once did.

I had a dream about my friend that stopped being a Christian recently. Then the dream changed and I was in my old room in California with my little brother. He was asleep and I was trying to sleep. I went to our closet which turned out to be huge. I turned on the light and looked around, seemed like a boat house or something. When I came back in our room James was up and playing video games. Then he started telling me how he doesn't believe in Jesus anymore. Then my whole family woke up and started hanging out, laughing about how weird we are. I woke up feeling really sad.

In My Eyes

2010-03-31T02:34:00.000-07:00

Being a drug free adult is really isolating sometimes, but I have never regretted it for a second. Drinking and smoking are still dumb to me, but its even more dumb that people need me to drink with them in order to feel comfortable. I feel seriously insulted by it. I know its not something to get hung up about, and that its not really on this or that person, its just a system we're all caught up in, but I won't be sucked into that world. If we're gonna have a human connection, its gotta be analog, baby. I won't accept anything less than reality. Its something I rarely talk about for a number of reasons but its something I'm pretty fired up about all the same, just as much as I was at 17.

I love being straight edge and I wish I had more friends that felt the way that I feel. Its such a positive thing, and in my mind terribly romantic, in that reality is so much wilder and more unruly and challenging than the alternative. I don't need a ton of people to feel the same, but it deflates me a little from time to time knowing that something I see so clearly is not important to anyone else.

2010-02-12T03:30:00.000-08:00

Through the darkness of futures past, the magician longs to see. One chance out between two worlds; fire walk with me.

2009-12-01T13:20:00.000-08:00

Last night I had a dream about Jonathon Strange and Mr. Norrell, it was really cool. That is one of my very favorite books, you should read it so we can talk about it!

I've been in Arkansas for almost 3 weeks, I don't want to leave. I am going back to Seattle tomorrow and I gotta spend my first Christmas away from my family. "Life's hard so I gotta be hard too!"

Really anxious to finish this dang recording. It's gonna be really good I think. I've started writing a few new songs, not too sure about them but I never am. I hate writing lyrics so much, its stresses me out.

From Brighton Beach To Santa Monica

2009-09-24T15:23:00.001-07:00

The Clientele are one of the best bands out right now. Their last two albums ("Strange Geometry" and "God Save The Clientele")have been nothing short of perfect. I say this as a weary old man, quite crabby and impressed by very little these days.

They have a new one coming out next month and they are streaming the whole thing right now at the link below. Give it a listen, I'm excited. The third track, "Harvest Time", is vintage Clientele: Alasdair MacLean's haunting English drone cooing over lush, reverbed out single coil guitar and an airy snare-ride rhythm section. Reminds me a bit of a song I wrote called "summertime", but that is neither here nor there.

http://www.mergerecords.com/store/store_detail.php?catalog_id=628#

Beachwood Park

2009-09-21T04:39:00.000-07:00

This is for Alec, a man after my own heart.

The Fall is starting, it hurts me. The world is dying you know. People that I really like are coming back to Seattle. The Mopes are recording on Saturday and have a bunch of new songs. We're really good. I don't mind saying it, I think its pretty true. We're playing sunday in Beltown, I forget where.

I'm just about to a place in my life where I can be myself with every single person I know. Some people I might hold things back from, but rarely do I find myself wearing a mask for someone else. (It hasn't always been like this you know, I used to be a lot of different people. Most of them weren't me anyway, which is good because they weren't people I'd like to know.) I think this is due more to the great people I have in my life than anything else. Leaving my life in California is also a big part of it.

I will try to write in this more.

What man has made of man

2009-05-19T02:12:00.000-07:00

“Even in laughter the heart may ache, and the end of joy may be grief.” (Proverbs 14:13, ESV)

I have been having so much fun and feeling so sad over the course of single days, its kind of hard to ride sometimes. I want something that seems so close but so impossible all at once. The verse up above is in my mind all the time right now.

Springtime is a good time to be melancholic, because the rest of the world is constantly trying to snap you out of it. It doesn't really work, or maybe it does but it doesn't last very long... In any case its nice to know that nature cares.

Springtime is a good time for poems. I have been thinking of lots lately. Wordsworth is really nice in the spring I think. Flowers just have to take pleasure in every breath, I really believe it.

Lines Written In Early Spring by William Wordsworth

I heard a thousand blended notes,
While in a grove I sate reclined,
In that sweet mood when pleasant thoughts
Bring sad thoughts to the mind.

To her fair works did Nature link
The human soul that through me ran;
And much it grieved my heart to think
What man has made of man.

Through primrose tufts, in that green bower,
The periwinkle trailed its wreaths;
And 'tis my faith that every flower
Enjoys the air it breathes.

The birds around me hopped and played,
Their thoughts I cannot measure:--
But the least motion which they made
It seemed a thrill of pleasure.

The budding twigs spread out their fan,
To catch the breezy air;
And I must think, do all I can,
That there was pleasure there.

If this belief from heaven be sent,
If such be Nature's holy plan,
Have I not reason to lament
What man has made of man?

The verse that has been very healing for me tonight is: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” (Proverbs 3:5, ESV)
I'm gonna go try to do that now.

A poem, unfinished as ever

2009-05-13T17:26:00.000-07:00

I want to connect these better, but this is a skeleton. Note to self, keep at it.

The overpass, it shudders,
as all the cars go by.
In the bosom of Abraham,
our kids too tired to cry.
King Sleep, you know he conquers
everyone and all.
Take rest where you can find it.
Cozy up to concrete wall

The road exhales in the distance
as cars drive along
to destinations I don't know.
On nights like these
it's a welcome noise,
and i crack my window just a little
to break up the silence

Tonight, Tonight

2009-05-03T02:33:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep tonight, feelin' kinda blue, kinda lonesome. I figured it might be nice to write, it helps sometimes. I can't be too specific though, people might actually read this thing.

This last month and a half have been a really nice time in my life. The Lenten season of fasting really did me good, getting rid of all kinds of excesses in my life and centering my focus on The Lord has been so great. Easter felt kinda magical, lots of anticipation leading to such a great payoff, a day with family and friends, old and new. I've met a number of people in this time frame that have quickly become favorites. These are people who, and I can say this with confidence, just get it. It's a simple thing to say but so complicated in the real world, and when you find it it's something that you shouldn't take for granted. So I've been trying real hard not to do that, and to get these people into my life. I want God and people to be a priority over everything else, I've been trying this out and having a lot of fun in the process.

There is a real sweetness to my walk with The Lord right now. I try to talk about God without using Christian buzzwords, I just hate that kind of thing. I'm having a really hard time with that right now for some reason, but I won't stop fighting to say these things in my own voice and not Stephen Curtis Chapman's.

I keep getting the sense that the world is exactly how it should be, no small sensation I assure you. The closer I get to Jesus the more I want to keep getting closer, its like a snowball of holiness and love. I have jokingly called this a "neo-fundamentalism" phase I am going through to a few friends that are interested in me. I am actually worried about being "worldly" for the first time in forever. I don't want to cuss or watch R rated movies at the moment, that's just not my scene. I'm a stranger here, its good to remember it. I've had a number of friends and acquaintances fall away from the faith recently and it weighs really heavy on me. Their situations are showing me that I've been just a hair away from where they are for a long time now, dancing on this line, toying with the idea of throwing it all away just to stop all the questions from driving me crazy, or to just feel good even if it's only for a little while. That's not who I am though, that's not the life I've chosen. I don't ever want to lose what I've built between me and God. I want Jesus to look me in the eye someday and say "Well done my good and faithful servant". You know whats dumb? I feel kind of emberessed typing that up, like it's cheesy or something and that it would make my friends laugh. That's gotta be telling in some way, though I'm not sure how exactly. I guess it just illustrates how my values have become what the world dictates, this is so upsidedown! I'm reading James right now, it is the perfect book for this season, thank God!

I'm growing a whole lot now, it's awesome and long overdue in some areas, but gosh it hurts sometimes. I have to be brave. I let myself see the way things could be in a very negative way most of the time, its a really cheap defense mechanism to keep myself from being disapointed. It takes a lot of strength to look life right in the face and expect the very best from it, and right now I am worried that I'm not strong enough to do that. I know it's what I need to do though, because if I can't even imagine life being better then how in the world am I supposed to make it happen, you know?

In really vague terms, this fear is keeping me up tonight. I am afraid to imagine myself being happy because I have been let down in this situation so many times. I'm even more afraid to be vulnerable and take the steps I need to take. I really need some help, and I really believe in prayer, so if you are the praying kind could you pray for me?

Mary Love

2009-04-18T00:33:00.001-07:00

This is an Easter story about my little cousin Mary Love. She is so spacey and cute. Told via facebook chat.

12:30amJames

i have a mary loves tory

12:30amPatrick

perhaps

pray tell

12:31amJames

well we saw her biting grapes in half and looking inside, one by one

and asked her what she was doing

"looking for jesus"

she said.

"he rose from the grape"

no joke.

12:32amPatrick

hahahahahahahahahahaahahaha

im loling

Melody day, where have you gone?

2009-03-15T21:28:00.000-07:00

Last night I talked to Moorea for a while and it was nice. I'm very sorry that she's so hurt and sad, nice people always seem to get screwed over. I told her of some recent confusing and dramatic things in my life, it was nice just to say them out loud. She is a good friend and person, I know that there is a lot of happiness for her even if things are not easy right now.

Now on to MUSIC!!!!

Late pass I know, but I am just now getting into the band Caribou. Andorra is really a great album, as much as I hate on the "psyche" phenomenon going on these days I can't deny when something is this good. I am gonna be spinning this one a whole lot in the next year. For some reason it really makes me want to be back home in california, playing Final Fantasy video games in my room. I used to do that a lot, even in the hot and gorgeous summer. Ah man, I'll never have that room again, it was tiny and hot but it was mine, you know?

School:
Finals week, after Wednesday I should be finished!!!

Voyage To Atlantis

2009-03-07T17:07:00.000-08:00

Today is slow jam day, get into it.

Listen to the high note at the 2:18 Mark in "Reasons"!

You just haven't earned it yet, baby

2009-03-06T20:32:00.000-08:00

Everything is due!!! Finals are around the corner, I'm losing it. This has been a tough quarter. So glad that spring is almost here!

I have a problem with blowing off school for quality people time. I'm about to do it again right now. I guess its only a problem if I have a problem with it. I only have 1 quarter left and I am not a good student. I am good at a lot of other things though, like friendship, and I take things like that a lot more serious than book learnin'

I had a partial Mopes practice yesterday (just Dev, Steve, and me). Very productive and satisfying. I almost have an albums worth of songs written and half written, they are getting better and better. I am so excited about the band but also a tad overwhelmed. I think my vision for it might be too huge, I am willing to go all out with it but I don't think I can expect everyone else to do that as well, a balance must be struck. Civilizations are built on compromise I suppose. Some serious managerial skills need to be forged, I need to be more tenacious.

Everyone keeps asking me what I'm doing after college. I don't ever have a good answer. I have this fuzzy idea that I will be working and touring, traveling with friends in between. I think I could do that forever. Not sure how that will work but I have pretty good luck.

Everything sucks

2009-02-13T07:11:00.000-08:00

I couldn't sleep yet again tonight, I feel terrible.

Spring is so close, I hate winter.

School is the worst.

She dares all things

2009-02-06T14:06:00.000-08:00

My favorite new band at the moment is Panda Riot, what a terrific name.

I really hope i can make music like this. They are taking the My Bloody Valentine aesthetic and running with it in a way that doesn't come off in a cheap or derivative way.

No Regrets, great night with my best friend

2009-02-04T05:52:00.001-08:00

Another sleepless night by myself, weeee!

The Beatles are the love of my life. They wrote the greatest pop songs of all time, invented the music video, invented the concept album, pioneered multiple groundbreaking recording techniques, all in the span of 6 years. They make me want to stop playing music. At the same time, they make me want to devote my life to playing music. I've been up all night listening to their various solo projects.
Top Song by each beatle (post beatle days)

George -Wah Wah : it doesn't get more trascendent than this. It's like he caught joy in a cage and held a tape recorder up to it for 4 minutes and this is what came through.

Georgie Georgie! My favorite Beatle :D

Paul - Band On The Run : Each part of the song would be a good song in itself, amazing how he strings them all together. In a word, this song is epic (what an overused word by the way). This gets stuck in my head a lot.

John - Cold Turkey : On any normal day I would say "imagine", lordy what a melody line, but this is the track i've been listening to all night. The lyrics are about his withdrawl from heroin, perfect fodder for rock n' roll. I feel like this song is an example of solo John at his best; driving bassline, bluesy rock riffs, catchy chorus.

Ringo - err... : Look Ringo, you are adorable, easily the most lovable Beatle. However, I have yet to hear a truely great song that you actually wrote after the Fab 4 years. Instead of listing one of your mediocre tracks that I rarely think of, I will... well I just won't. I plan to name a child of mine Ringo, preferably the youngest, that has to cheer you up just a little, right? Hope that is a good enough conselation, we love you!

stop me if you think that you've heard this one before

2009-02-02T09:27:00.000-08:00

I can't seem to make myself do schoolwork. I think I need to take a long break from all media, all I do is sit at my computer and waste time. Insomnia is back in full effect. I've been really reclusive as of late, I need to get out more.

I've been messing with my Tascam 4 track recorder, that's really fun. Wish my roomate would leave more, its hard to record with him around all the time. I have a billion half finished songs right now, I need to piece them together and get more final products before that show. I oscillate wildly from wild enthusiasm to deep self doubt when it comes my creative output, not sure why that is.

My top shoegaze band of the moment is resplandor, they're from peru, really great.

2009-01-30T03:37:00.000-08:00

http://www.coachella.com/event/lineup

Coachella lineup announced, first year that I would consider going.

Morrissey and Paul McCartney on Friday.

Brian Jonestown Massacre (I wonder what the eff that lineup will be), MY BLOODY VALENTINE, and The Cure on Sunday

sighs smell of farewell

2009-01-20T01:49:00.001-08:00

I have started to post an update 3 or 4 times in the last few months, they just never seem interesting enough to finish. I suppose I will update about my life as of late, that might be nice.

I'm really glad for this 3 day weekend, I was able to sleep a lot and go on an adventure. On Sunday I went with the rest of the bookhouse boys to explore North Bend, where the greatest show of all time was filmed (Twin Peaks). It was the strangest weather, the sun was out in full force and there wasn't a cloud in sight, such a good way to see the city. We saw the road where the opening shot of Mt. Sai was filmed, Snoqualmie falls where Laura Palmer's body was found dead, wrapped in plastic. We saw the Roadhouse, and through a fine piece of trespassing we saw the Sherrif's station, as well as the Mill. We ate at the double R diner, twice! I sold out on the veg unwittingly, their sawmill gravy had bits of bacon in it, totally worth it though, no regrets. Vegitarianism can go on vacation every once in a while, no big.

I've been playing music a lot more than usual. I love A Leaf, it's such a fun band. We played Neumo's last week and I think it went really well. We have a show at the high dive coming up, I doubt it will compare favorably to our recent shows but you never know. It's fun to play those songs, even if nobody else can hear.

I've been writing my own songs since this summer, I like a few of them now. That's a hard thing for me to do, to like things of mine. I just wrote a song, it's called "Squirrel" and it makes me feel pleased with myself. I am in the process of recording them to my 4 track, it's a learning experience, good thing i have 3 new tapes. I want to have a band for these songs, the people I've been playing with don't seem too motivated though. I need enthusiasm! Confound it all, we might just see a shake up in The Mopes lineup yet... Oh yes, we are playing that February show with Morea and Taylor and others, stoked for that.

I hate the winter time. Nothing new there. I require a more mediteranian climate than Seattle affords, this will be a consideration for the summer and beyond. I had an invitation to go to Hawaii with a new friend or two this spring break, sounds pretty good right about now.

I've been listening to lot's of Pale Saints and My Bloody Valentine. I don't like current music aside from a band or two (animal collective, deerhoof, more?). It's all so non linear and 'uncontrived' that it ends up feeling all too contrived to me, "dizzying and illogical", like being released from an air hatch into outer space. The world needs good pop songs. The world needs simplicity. Well I do at least, I don't mean to lose my head and speak for humanity.

While it's true that I don't like winter...

2008-12-12T03:21:00.000-08:00

I don't mind admitting that I love Morrissey :)

P.S. I need that floor mat! So badly... Moz is so cool, and so is James Dean, I like Mozzy better though. I wish I could be just like him.

Let me clear this out

2008-12-11T08:21:00.000-08:00

My head is foggy and cobwebby, I just woke up and I have a final in 2 hours. I'm listening to Pale Saints, it seems like the perfect music for today, there is something so final about their songs, like they're all saying goodbye to something. After this afternoon I'm gonna be done with school for another couple of weeks, that's pretty exciting.

A Leaf is playing an acoustic set in Bremerton tonight but I'm not sure that I'll be game, I might just crash after my last final at 3:30 and not wake up til winter is over. I might be riding on an accomplishment high and want to play til the wee hours, we will see.

By the way; I don't like winter.

2008-12-02T08:59:00.000-08:00

I'm so behind in school, going home for vacation was probably an irresponsible move but I don't regret it. I left my notebook and a textbook behind, I really need it, this sucks. I'm writing a paper right now and all the revision notes are in the notebook, crap.

Hey, come see A Leaf play tomorrow night at Chop Suey, it will be really fun I promise, we've been practicing and I think we sound pretty good. I think its only 6 dollars, bring friends if you can.

2008-11-19T23:56:00.000-08:00

Tonight is a chilly night. All the leaves are gone or going. I feel a lot like the lonely trees left behind: skinny, scantily clad.

There is a band from Sweden that I just found out about, Like Honey (perhaps a reference to the legendary Jesus and Mary Chain song). They are a shoegaze pop band, this style is a very logical evolution and I hope it is a sign of things to come. Sometimes I get bummed out on the state of college rock with all the garbage out there but this band gives me hope.

On Saturday I played emmerson coffee house with The Mopes, my new band with Emily and Alec. I think it went really well. We messed up and stuff but it felt good playing, I think there is a really good energy that happens when we play. So far we have about 3 songs and the makings for several more. We have a drummer now too, Steven.

My other band A Leaf just recorded a new song, please listen to it I am very excited about it! http://www.myspace.com/aleafmusic
It's the song called Yesterday Today and Tomorrow.

Moorea, thank you for exposing me to a man that I shall leave unnamed, you know who. "Noah and God we're great buds, God saved Noah from floods"

Suuuuuunday Morning!

2008-11-09T13:06:00.000-08:00

Live puppy web cam!

http://cdn1.ustream.tv/swf/4/viewer.45.swf?cid=317016

Who loves the sun? Not everyone.

2008-11-06T09:31:00.000-08:00

I love the rain, which probably shows that I am still just a glorified tourist in this rainy town. Pacific northwesterners are cool and all but I don't ever think I will be one, which is just fine by me, I have enough cultural identities already. I have another paper due in an hour, I'm on pace to finish it but it's last minute as always. I don't think I have ever finished a paper ahead of time, not once.

Yesterday I woke up to Nate and Shannon laughing on our couch bed, what a good start to a good day. I went to class then sat around recording with them a lot of the day. We practiced with Steven, he is a small asian man that I lived with this summer. He is an insane drummer, it's like he has a metronome in his brain, that kind of rhythm is something you can't teach. I'm really hoping he decides to play with us more. He is also tentatively going to start playing for my new band with Alec and Emily, we're practicing friday. I think we're gonna play some of our songs for Emmerson's coffee house, sans drums though because it would be too real for the children, harshing mellows is not our thing. Steven, is really gentle and nice, if he joins the band, then between him, Alec, me and Emily we will be the nicest band on earth. Our songs are pretty sweet, I really like the direction it's going. Very simple, very pop.

School

2008-11-04T10:13:00.001-08:00

I'm behind in 2 of my 3 classes, in procrastination hell. Mama mia, que tragico. Paper due in 20 mins, I'm almost done, can't think straight.

Obama is leading in 5 of 8 key states, looks like he is a lock. STOKED.

My musical tastes have taken a drastic turn toward the homosexual these days. I would rather listen to The Ronettes or Lesley Gore or The Supremes or Sandie Shaw or France Gall than most anything. What would the 16 year old Pat think of this? He would probably be dissapointed but highly amused. I wish I could be friends with him, we would be really good for each other.

Bring my car I feel to smash it

2008-10-24T14:41:00.000-07:00

I just got invited to a music stealing community, it's my current obsession. It has allowed me to reconnect with music I stole years ago that has long since been deleted or converted into pure energy and released into the nebulous expanse above and below us via fried harddrives. Subsequently it was all just beyond reach for so long. I forgot how much better indie rock was 10 years ago than it is today.

This afternoon has been spent listening to the explosion of genius that happened in chicago and urbana/champaign illinois in the mid-late 90's. Cap'n Jazz is very special to me, I have this memory of listening to them on a cassette in my friend Lauren Agnew's giant oldsmobile, it had the coolest red velvety interior and smelled like an antique store. She was older than me and a lot cooler, I couldn't drive yet. We were about a year or two removed from our respective crust/punk phases and my eyes had just been opened to thrift store clothing and calmer music. This happened sometime around 98 back in Ventura, that was a really exciting time, to think of it makes me feel nice.
"December embers trickle up, set roots in soil sky as january's stars"

The Sea and Cake, American Football, Pele, Friction, Braid, and most recently the issuing of the lost E.P. from The One Up Downstairs. I could write a sappy blurb about each band but i cant be bothered at the moment. Of special note is the band Very Secretary. In my mind they are the most criminally underrated band of that area and of that entire era. Their 2nd LP standing in the shade is perfect to me in a way few are; melencholy, delicate, twinkly at times, folky and almost anthemic at others. I've never heard a sound similar to theirs since.

There is a band from philadelphia that is very much in the vein of these early Polyvinyl bands called Algernon Cadwallader, I love what they're doing.
http://www.vimeo.com/groups/algernoncadwallader/videos/1081262

squish squash

2008-08-07T14:23:00.000-07:00

I'm back in seattle, kind of floating around til school starts. A Leaf has been recording pretty steadily, we need to finalize our lineup and play some dang shows. Last night Nate, Shannon, and I had a rock fight in the parking lot of the music building, it was a lot of fun and a good workout.

I'm kind of exiled from the house ive been staying at in S. Seattle, had a falling out with one of the tenants and don't want to overstay my welcome.

I spent the summer wasting, the hours passed so pleasantly

2008-07-25T01:15:00.000-07:00

***Edit: fixed the link below***
I'm reading Jesus' Son by Denis Johnson, 2/3 done right now, gonna try to kill it off before I sleep. I have heard about this book for a long time but it wasn't at the top of my list, I kept forgetting about it completely only later to catch a reference or hear some glowing review... For some reason it came into my head the other day at the bookstore so i bought it right away before my brain moved on. All I can say is that it's the best book I've read in a long time, instantly at the top of my favorite's list.

I leave for Seattle in 3 days, I'm not ready to go back. Ever since I left Arkansas when I was 13 I have felt really out of place, not sure of what my cultural identity should be. I think thats why I got so into Punk, but that's another story. Anyway, I don't feel like a poser saying this anymore; I'm southern damn it. I don't want to leave yet, its too good here. I really believe locations have distinctive vibrations or feelings that they give off. Seattle resonates at a B and I at an A minor, and I might harmonize with it but its not playing my note, its not singing my song. I can't explain what it does to me to walk around in the sweltering heat of the day or when I sit in the backyard while the sun goes down and listen to the cicadas and frogs and crickets. Especially the cicadas. The outside world here moves so slow, especially when compared to the west coast. When the world outside me gets smaller and slower then the world inside me speeds up and grows. I've been writing a lot more music lately, it's all incomplete and will most likely be scrapped or salvaged into something different later, but its really fun.

Still I'm kind excited to go to Seattle, I miss my friends and to tell the truth I am a little bit bored here. I can't wait to record again. These songs we have are really good, I want for us to document them as well as we can and then see what everyone thinks. some old songs can be found at ** Fixed the link http//:www.myspace.com/aleafmusic ** I like the 1st 3.

Sweet down to the rhine

2008-07-14T08:00:00.000-07:00

I slept from 10:30pm til 8:30am last night. No that was not a typo. I'm feeling really good here in Arkansas, that was the first night of Godly sleep I've had in years and years. This morning my mom made me my favorite tea (Barry's irish), I ate the greatest watermellon of my life while I waited. The day stretches out in front of me, what's next?

2008-07-13T16:59:00.000-07:00

My sister got married yesterday. Her wedding was the best I've ever been to; very southern, everything was done right. I was an usher and a reader, I read 1John 4:7-16 during the ceremonyd I was really nervous about having a role in the wedding but it was pretty insignificant in the big picture and I know it made Margaret happy so I'm glad I was able to.

After the ceremony we had the most killer reception ever at the Little Rock country club. The food was amazing, I picked the wrong week to try and be vegitarian, or at least veg friendly, because I difinitely ate like 14 pieces of chicken wrapped in bacon. We had a really great band and everyone danced like maniacs. Our party seriously had to be kicked out by the band, they had no more songs to play and it was well after midnight. After the party was the afterparty for family, we reconvened at the Landfair estate. We all hung out, talked, drank (well not me, everyone else) for a while, so sweet. I wrestled with my little cuz Konrad, made people spill drinks, made the dog lick it up, great time. After a while we all sat in the living room and had a sort of family concert. My dad played some old country standards like "cotton fields back home" and "you get a line and I'll get a pole" I played Elliott Smith songs, and Beatles and James Taylor songs, and everyone sang along to the choruses, it was hilarious and awesome, so much love happening.

After that I stayed up with various cousins and friends til 7 watching metalocalypse and bro-ing down hard.

A side note, I love my cousins so much. If you have never been around my family you just can't understand, we rule so hard. I'm not trying to boast, I'm just trying to explain it. They are my favorite people in the world, as are my aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. Of course my immediate family is the most dear to me, but the cousins are all such amazing people and I don't see them enough, I hate it. I really have to move back here, it's just home. I love everything about Little Rock, but mostly I love the fact that my family is so nearby. If I could get a good job and start a family here, I think I would be really happy.

This wedding was really emotional for me, and beyond that it really gave me a strong sense of God's sovreingty in my family's life. Everything that has happened up to this point had to happen in order for last night to happen, and last night was just perfect, one of the best times ive had. Supper is ready, gotta go.

Sweet Leaf

2008-05-16T03:57:00.000-07:00

My roommate has been smoking weed all afternoon, what a sweet dude.

In other news I hung out downtown for a while this afternoon with my friend Nate, that was really fun. We watched Lost together and then we recorded until 3 am. He is a good friend to me, I'm really glad we met. There are so many lame people in the world, its nice to be around people that are just sweet and loving, that you don't have to put up your guard around. I like being soft whenever I can. The music we are making is good, I'm thinking about staying in Seattle some of the summer if I can so that we can keep up the momentum.
There's this girl thats been messing with my heart, I wish she would just be mean to me so I wouldn't have to think about it anymore. Thats a really cheap way of explaining the situation, but thats how I feel right now. She's being nice to me right now, but I'm bracing for the inevitable. God bless you friends, I think I will update this more often.

Hi, how are you?

2008-05-09T18:41:00.000-07:00

Love me.