You don't have to be a baby to cry

My friend Eric just broke me off, I can't say how much I enjoy this song.



It's so cold today! I walked to Fremont, had the most unpleasant time with the wind and my runny nose, its a miracle I ever leave the house at all these days. My big thing recently is listening to audio books while I walk. Right now it is The Once And Future King by T.H. White, an all time favorite of mine. I think I have never related to a character more than I did to Lancelot as a kid. Of course I wasn't freakishly strong or handsome, but the whole self loathing, unloved, fatal flaw thing was something I could understand, even in my pre-pubescent state. I dream of one day finding love, but like Lancelot I think its always going to be the bad kind, I just don't like hardly anyone. People that like me are generally suspicious/absurd or genius. People who don't are either idiots or immensely attractive. At least I haven't knocked anyone up like he did, or slept with a married woman.

2 days until I go home. I'm basically killing time until then. I really have only a handful of friends. I know these things go in cycles, its low tide though and I'm a little bit frightened. One day you pull your mind out of that all pervading self obsession and realize everyone else has moved on while you're still childish and alone as ever.

I will end on my favorite recent phrase that I listened to (read?) today on my walk. "seraphic smile". That is all.

If this doesn't give you goosebumps, you're just dead.

2 things

I've come to post two things. The first thing is that I went to sleep at midnight and woke up at 6:30 a.m. the past two nights, and I feel so much better than I usually do. I've talked with Danielle about starting a sleep log, maybe this is the beginning of that. To the handful of people that have somehow chanced up upon this "blog", I'm sorry, it doesn't get more inane than this.

The second thing is that I love country music, and I really wish I were back in Dixie. In one week from today I will be back home, I am just trying to fast forward each day until then. I wish I could ride my old horse, Blue. He was a good boy, we had some really good times. I miss the way he would meet me at the gate every day, the way he smelled, the way it felt when he ate carrots and sugar out of my hand.

Sub point to my second thing:
This song made me cry today. I am a little emotional this morning and I guess it just set me over the edge, but the sentiment is so powerful and relevant for me and for all of us. Who's gonna fill their shoes? Who today can tear my heart out when they sing? Who today has a direct tie (not imagined like a lot of terrific and mediocre artists i.e. the white stripes, the sadies, all the saddle creek junk, Ryan Adams) to the rich history of the south as it once was, the grand ole opry, the wabash cannonball, etc? What singer is larger than life in the force of nature way Johnny Cash was? Crickets... That just makes me want to cry, and so I let myself do just that for a brief moment. First time I've had tears on my cheeks in I don't know how long. Also, the chord progression is really moving, that was definitely part of it.