What man has made of man

“Even in laughter the heart may ache, and the end of joy may be grief.” (Proverbs 14:13, ESV)

I have been having so much fun and feeling so sad over the course of single days, its kind of hard to ride sometimes. I want something that seems so close but so impossible all at once. The verse up above is in my mind all the time right now.

Springtime is a good time to be melancholic, because the rest of the world is constantly trying to snap you out of it. It doesn't really work, or maybe it does but it doesn't last very long... In any case its nice to know that nature cares.

Springtime is a good time for poems. I have been thinking of lots lately. Wordsworth is really nice in the spring I think. Flowers just have to take pleasure in every breath, I really believe it.


Lines Written In Early Spring by William Wordsworth

I heard a thousand blended notes,
While in a grove I sate reclined,
In that sweet mood when pleasant thoughts
Bring sad thoughts to the mind.

To her fair works did Nature link
The human soul that through me ran;
And much it grieved my heart to think
What man has made of man.

Through primrose tufts, in that green bower,
The periwinkle trailed its wreaths;
And 'tis my faith that every flower
Enjoys the air it breathes.

The birds around me hopped and played,
Their thoughts I cannot measure:--
But the least motion which they made
It seemed a thrill of pleasure.

The budding twigs spread out their fan,
To catch the breezy air;
And I must think, do all I can,
That there was pleasure there.

If this belief from heaven be sent,
If such be Nature's holy plan,
Have I not reason to lament
What man has made of man?


The verse that has been very healing for me tonight is: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” (Proverbs 3:5, ESV)
I'm gonna go try to do that now.

A poem, unfinished as ever

I want to connect these better, but this is a skeleton. Note to self, keep at it.

The overpass, it shudders,
as all the cars go by.
In the bosom of Abraham,
our kids too tired to cry.
King Sleep, you know he conquers
everyone and all.
Take rest where you can find it.
Cozy up to concrete wall

The road exhales in the distance
as cars drive along
to destinations I don't know.
On nights like these
it's a welcome noise,
and i crack my window just a little
to break up the silence

Tonight, Tonight

I can't sleep tonight, feelin' kinda blue, kinda lonesome. I figured it might be nice to write, it helps sometimes. I can't be too specific though, people might actually read this thing.

This last month and a half have been a really nice time in my life. The Lenten season of fasting really did me good, getting rid of all kinds of excesses in my life and centering my focus on The Lord has been so great. Easter felt kinda magical, lots of anticipation leading to such a great payoff, a day with family and friends, old and new. I've met a number of people in this time frame that have quickly become favorites. These are people who, and I can say this with confidence, just get it. It's a simple thing to say but so complicated in the real world, and when you find it it's something that you shouldn't take for granted. So I've been trying real hard not to do that, and to get these people into my life. I want God and people to be a priority over everything else, I've been trying this out and having a lot of fun in the process.

There is a real sweetness to my walk with The Lord right now. I try to talk about God without using Christian buzzwords, I just hate that kind of thing. I'm having a really hard time with that right now for some reason, but I won't stop fighting to say these things in my own voice and not Stephen Curtis Chapman's.

I keep getting the sense that the world is exactly how it should be, no small sensation I assure you. The closer I get to Jesus the more I want to keep getting closer, its like a snowball of holiness and love. I have jokingly called this a "neo-fundamentalism" phase I am going through to a few friends that are interested in me. I am actually worried about being "worldly" for the first time in forever. I don't want to cuss or watch R rated movies at the moment, that's just not my scene. I'm a stranger here, its good to remember it. I've had a number of friends and acquaintances fall away from the faith recently and it weighs really heavy on me. Their situations are showing me that I've been just a hair away from where they are for a long time now, dancing on this line, toying with the idea of throwing it all away just to stop all the questions from driving me crazy, or to just feel good even if it's only for a little while. That's not who I am though, that's not the life I've chosen. I don't ever want to lose what I've built between me and God. I want Jesus to look me in the eye someday and say "Well done my good and faithful servant". You know whats dumb? I feel kind of emberessed typing that up, like it's cheesy or something and that it would make my friends laugh. That's gotta be telling in some way, though I'm not sure how exactly. I guess it just illustrates how my values have become what the world dictates, this is so upsidedown! I'm reading James right now, it is the perfect book for this season, thank God!

I'm growing a whole lot now, it's awesome and long overdue in some areas, but gosh it hurts sometimes. I have to be brave. I let myself see the way things could be in a very negative way most of the time, its a really cheap defense mechanism to keep myself from being disapointed. It takes a lot of strength to look life right in the face and expect the very best from it, and right now I am worried that I'm not strong enough to do that. I know it's what I need to do though, because if I can't even imagine life being better then how in the world am I supposed to make it happen, you know?

In really vague terms, this fear is keeping me up tonight. I am afraid to imagine myself being happy because I have been let down in this situation so many times. I'm even more afraid to be vulnerable and take the steps I need to take. I really need some help, and I really believe in prayer, so if you are the praying kind could you pray for me?