California was so perfect, I wish I were still there, sleeping on our boat and hanging out with my family. I was there for four days this weekend, my sister got married and I was a groomsman.
I love my sister Emily so much, and the raw emotion on her face was overwhelming to watch during the ceremony. I could feel waves of sobs being choked back in the congregation behind me all service. I'm not saying I could hear them, because they were being choked back of course. I could feel them though. You understand.
She really has what she always has wanted, and to see her so happy makes me unspeakably pleased and grateful. Some people suffer, some people prosper. I won't pretend that I understand it or that I'm not endlessly troubled by it, but when God is so good to my family time and time again all I can feel is gratitude. We've really come a long way, and no one really understands the extent of it but us seven people.
I'd like to write more now, but I just worked all night and I have to work again tonight. I hate my job, must quit it.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
Just wasted most of the day to go mix in northgate, we didn't get much done at all. Phil said we'd be done after a half day, now he wants to start all over on 4 out of 5 songs. The bus is not as charming as it was before I started using it everyday. This mix failure made me kind of down on doing the band, this recording seems like it will never end.
Pretty depressed. Don't have much to look forward to. "Another Day Of Nothing".
When I got back home, my roommates band was practicing. They are so horrible, the kind of horrible that makes you feel embarrassed for them. That's just at first though, then you get really mad that it won't stop. You fantasize about throwing water balloons downstairs on them, and telling them off. You could say "you're the worst band I've ever heard", but how can you even quantify such a thing? It probably wouldn't be true. You could tell them that they are in a "metal" band and yet they have never listened Slayer, but they wouldn't hear your meek voice over the PBR belches. You wish the neighbors would call the cops. Its really pathetic being this passive.
My 3 day break is over, Taylor is driving me to work tonight, he really is a good friend to me.
I think of the song "Suzanne" a lot. I need to tell this girl that shes wasting her time on me, that I "have no love to give her". But maybe she'll get me on her wavelength once I do. Its a funny thought. I really can't feel anything for any girl, there's something busted inside me. Sure I find different ones attractive, I'm still alive after all. I enjoy being wanted, and telling myself I want something. But once it starts getting deep, I can't go any farther. I'm not really sure what my deal is. I don't know if I really want anything.
I really like being encouraging, I don't want to bring anyone down. Its a good thing only a handful of people ever see stuff like this then. Sometimes in life I just have to close my eyes and hold on and wait for things to get better. They always do, but its hard to believe it all the time.
Pretty depressed. Don't have much to look forward to. "Another Day Of Nothing".
When I got back home, my roommates band was practicing. They are so horrible, the kind of horrible that makes you feel embarrassed for them. That's just at first though, then you get really mad that it won't stop. You fantasize about throwing water balloons downstairs on them, and telling them off. You could say "you're the worst band I've ever heard", but how can you even quantify such a thing? It probably wouldn't be true. You could tell them that they are in a "metal" band and yet they have never listened Slayer, but they wouldn't hear your meek voice over the PBR belches. You wish the neighbors would call the cops. Its really pathetic being this passive.
My 3 day break is over, Taylor is driving me to work tonight, he really is a good friend to me.
I think of the song "Suzanne" a lot. I need to tell this girl that shes wasting her time on me, that I "have no love to give her". But maybe she'll get me on her wavelength once I do. Its a funny thought. I really can't feel anything for any girl, there's something busted inside me. Sure I find different ones attractive, I'm still alive after all. I enjoy being wanted, and telling myself I want something. But once it starts getting deep, I can't go any farther. I'm not really sure what my deal is. I don't know if I really want anything.
I really like being encouraging, I don't want to bring anyone down. Its a good thing only a handful of people ever see stuff like this then. Sometimes in life I just have to close my eyes and hold on and wait for things to get better. They always do, but its hard to believe it all the time.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
I hate this job and this vampire schedule. I don't have much of a social life any more. I can't go to the church I like. I'm having insane mood swings. I feel really really old. I feel tired.
Flipside: I've lost a bunch of weight and started getting stronger. I've been listening to lots of music, almost too much really. But this has given me a chance to reassess my Tom Waits aversion. The jury is still sort of out, but I really appreciate the jazz standardyness of some songs and his melodies are really memorable at times, as are the lyrics. I guess I'm at a point where I can say I appreciate him as a song writer. The whole white boy Louis Armstrong thing still grates on me, but not to the point of red hot rage like it once did.
I had a dream about my friend that stopped being a Christian recently. Then the dream changed and I was in my old room in California with my little brother. He was asleep and I was trying to sleep. I went to our closet which turned out to be huge. I turned on the light and looked around, seemed like a boat house or something. When I came back in our room James was up and playing video games. Then he started telling me how he doesn't believe in Jesus anymore. Then my whole family woke up and started hanging out, laughing about how weird we are. I woke up feeling really sad.
Flipside: I've lost a bunch of weight and started getting stronger. I've been listening to lots of music, almost too much really. But this has given me a chance to reassess my Tom Waits aversion. The jury is still sort of out, but I really appreciate the jazz standardyness of some songs and his melodies are really memorable at times, as are the lyrics. I guess I'm at a point where I can say I appreciate him as a song writer. The whole white boy Louis Armstrong thing still grates on me, but not to the point of red hot rage like it once did.
I had a dream about my friend that stopped being a Christian recently. Then the dream changed and I was in my old room in California with my little brother. He was asleep and I was trying to sleep. I went to our closet which turned out to be huge. I turned on the light and looked around, seemed like a boat house or something. When I came back in our room James was up and playing video games. Then he started telling me how he doesn't believe in Jesus anymore. Then my whole family woke up and started hanging out, laughing about how weird we are. I woke up feeling really sad.
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