You don't have to be a baby to cry

My friend Eric just broke me off, I can't say how much I enjoy this song.



It's so cold today! I walked to Fremont, had the most unpleasant time with the wind and my runny nose, its a miracle I ever leave the house at all these days. My big thing recently is listening to audio books while I walk. Right now it is The Once And Future King by T.H. White, an all time favorite of mine. I think I have never related to a character more than I did to Lancelot as a kid. Of course I wasn't freakishly strong or handsome, but the whole self loathing, unloved, fatal flaw thing was something I could understand, even in my pre-pubescent state. I dream of one day finding love, but like Lancelot I think its always going to be the bad kind, I just don't like hardly anyone. People that like me are generally suspicious/absurd or genius. People who don't are either idiots or immensely attractive. At least I haven't knocked anyone up like he did, or slept with a married woman.

2 days until I go home. I'm basically killing time until then. I really have only a handful of friends. I know these things go in cycles, its low tide though and I'm a little bit frightened. One day you pull your mind out of that all pervading self obsession and realize everyone else has moved on while you're still childish and alone as ever.

I will end on my favorite recent phrase that I listened to (read?) today on my walk. "seraphic smile". That is all.

If this doesn't give you goosebumps, you're just dead.

2 things

I've come to post two things. The first thing is that I went to sleep at midnight and woke up at 6:30 a.m. the past two nights, and I feel so much better than I usually do. I've talked with Danielle about starting a sleep log, maybe this is the beginning of that. To the handful of people that have somehow chanced up upon this "blog", I'm sorry, it doesn't get more inane than this.

The second thing is that I love country music, and I really wish I were back in Dixie. In one week from today I will be back home, I am just trying to fast forward each day until then. I wish I could ride my old horse, Blue. He was a good boy, we had some really good times. I miss the way he would meet me at the gate every day, the way he smelled, the way it felt when he ate carrots and sugar out of my hand.

Sub point to my second thing:
This song made me cry today. I am a little emotional this morning and I guess it just set me over the edge, but the sentiment is so powerful and relevant for me and for all of us. Who's gonna fill their shoes? Who today can tear my heart out when they sing? Who today has a direct tie (not imagined like a lot of terrific and mediocre artists i.e. the white stripes, the sadies, all the saddle creek junk, Ryan Adams) to the rich history of the south as it once was, the grand ole opry, the wabash cannonball, etc? What singer is larger than life in the force of nature way Johnny Cash was? Crickets... That just makes me want to cry, and so I let myself do just that for a brief moment. First time I've had tears on my cheeks in I don't know how long. Also, the chord progression is really moving, that was definitely part of it.

I wish

I wish this look was more fashionable. Judge me if you must, but I have always been fond of Mod girls. A lot of these are over the top, but then that is sort of the point.


http://digilander.libero.it/guido_1953/pics/miniskirts/miniskirts-girls.htm


If I had more money I would be markedly more Mod-ish. Time to watch Quadrophenia again.


Recently found out that these guys shared a manager with The Stones. Love The Small Faces. Hell of a song.




They're looking SOOOO sharp here. It's a shame that they're so famous for Tommy, they sucked by then...

le sigh

It's so easy to laugh, it's so easy to hate, it takes strength to be gentle and kind

Conviction is such a blessing. I'm grateful, without it I would just keep being evil. Every good thing in me is there because Jesus put it there.

Sing Your Life

Ah, that itch to write. Bring my blog, I feel to scratch it.

Now I've started, but now what? Its been so long. A lifetime of experiences have come and gone in the time between blogging. I'm still not used to that word, and I hope that I never am. "Blog". Nope, I still hate it.


I guess a brief chronicle of my summer so far might be useful to my future self. Turns out my memory is horrible so these things are really nice

First: I quit my job sometime in the middle of June. I gave my two week notice and everything. I could go deeper but that job is one thing I wouldn't mind forgetting.

3 or 4 days after I was done there, I flew to Chicago (Geneva/St. Charles to be precise) for my Cousin Lila's wedding. *This is painful to write, it feels like a school project. I will persevere.* My uncle Morley was really lit up (he's bipolar you see). He believed he had been struck by lightning and that it had activated his entire consciousness. Really its just that his oldest daughter was getting married and it triggered a serious manic episode. It was really fun and funny at first as it always is. Luckily I stayed away for much of the fallout afterward. He ended up being arrested and hospitalized. He was fine after 3 weeks, which is great for him. The last time he was this high he lived in a wigwam for 6 months (no, really). Well I stayed there for about a week because I missed my flight back to Little Rock. I drove back down with my alcoholic aunt and my brother, who was feverish at the time. I drove straight there in something like 12 hours.

I stayed in Arkansas for about a month. Not much to tell, I watched a lot of TV and ate like a king. My grandpa bought me this old 1990 Dodge ram 15 passenger van for $800. I love it. On my last night in Little Rock I had the Honeycutters play at my house, it was a smashing success. I drove all the way from Little Rock to Seattle by myself. Along the way I broke down in Twin Falls and stayed with the Thompsons in Boise for two days.

Now I'm back in Seattle. Its so mild here, I really like it. Today its raining. I'm feeling a little blue. Not much to look forward to. Disconnected from some of the people I care about. Disappointed in some others. Angry at my lazy self. Pretty normal stuff.

Oh yeah, day before yesterday I went to the Seattle Art Museum and saw their Andy Warhol exhibit. It inspired me. Especially the 16mm screen tests they were showing. There was one especially, this girl Anne Buchanon. Over the course of 2-3 minutes her eyes welled up and big tears rolled down her face. She was very pretty, her hair was the best part. She kept the same impassive expression throughout though, thats the remarkable thing. I keep wondering what it was that made her cry. Or maybe she was just showcasing her ability to cry on command? I'll probably never know, but I hope I can remember her face.

I have to go