Writing on my blog, being hip.

I'm not sure what the word "hipster" means. Lots of people sure do though. The only kind of personal titles I'm interested in are the ones people give themselves.

I guess this is all to say that any form of hipster stereotyping (which is really hype right now) really irritates me, because its either making fun of something super obvious and which is not really funny, or it is its own form of elitism, which is self defeating (in the enterprise of making fun of elitists). The "hipster" and the critic are both operating on different paradigms, each seeing their own approach to life as normative. For you philosophy people I am mostly referring here to Thomas Kuhn's seminal work The Structure of Scientific Revolutions. Anyway, these dialogs are sort of like high school all over again, and one trip through that was enough for me.

And like the man says... "It doesn't matter what you call yourself, its how you carry yourself". I suppose by extension it doesn't matter what you call someone else, its how they carry themselves.

I'm back

California was so perfect, I wish I were still there, sleeping on our boat and hanging out with my family. I was there for four days this weekend, my sister got married and I was a groomsman.

I love my sister Emily so much, and the raw emotion on her face was overwhelming to watch during the ceremony. I could feel waves of sobs being choked back in the congregation behind me all service. I'm not saying I could hear them, because they were being choked back of course. I could feel them though. You understand.

She really has what she always has wanted, and to see her so happy makes me unspeakably pleased and grateful. Some people suffer, some people prosper. I won't pretend that I understand it or that I'm not endlessly troubled by it, but when God is so good to my family time and time again all I can feel is gratitude. We've really come a long way, and no one really understands the extent of it but us seven people.

I'd like to write more now, but I just worked all night and I have to work again tonight. I hate my job, must quit it.

Just wasted most of the day to go mix in northgate, we didn't get much done at all. Phil said we'd be done after a half day, now he wants to start all over on 4 out of 5 songs. The bus is not as charming as it was before I started using it everyday. This mix failure made me kind of down on doing the band, this recording seems like it will never end.

Pretty depressed. Don't have much to look forward to. "Another Day Of Nothing".

When I got back home, my roommates band was practicing. They are so horrible, the kind of horrible that makes you feel embarrassed for them. That's just at first though, then you get really mad that it won't stop. You fantasize about throwing water balloons downstairs on them, and telling them off. You could say "you're the worst band I've ever heard", but how can you even quantify such a thing? It probably wouldn't be true. You could tell them that they are in a "metal" band and yet they have never listened Slayer, but they wouldn't hear your meek voice over the PBR belches. You wish the neighbors would call the cops. Its really pathetic being this passive.

My 3 day break is over, Taylor is driving me to work tonight, he really is a good friend to me.

I think of the song "Suzanne" a lot. I need to tell this girl that shes wasting her time on me, that I "have no love to give her". But maybe she'll get me on her wavelength once I do. Its a funny thought. I really can't feel anything for any girl, there's something busted inside me. Sure I find different ones attractive, I'm still alive after all. I enjoy being wanted, and telling myself I want something. But once it starts getting deep, I can't go any farther. I'm not really sure what my deal is. I don't know if I really want anything.

I really like being encouraging, I don't want to bring anyone down. Its a good thing only a handful of people ever see stuff like this then. Sometimes in life I just have to close my eyes and hold on and wait for things to get better. They always do, but its hard to believe it all the time.

I hate this job and this vampire schedule. I don't have much of a social life any more. I can't go to the church I like. I'm having insane mood swings. I feel really really old. I feel tired.

Flipside: I've lost a bunch of weight and started getting stronger. I've been listening to lots of music, almost too much really. But this has given me a chance to reassess my Tom Waits aversion. The jury is still sort of out, but I really appreciate the jazz standardyness of some songs and his melodies are really memorable at times, as are the lyrics. I guess I'm at a point where I can say I appreciate him as a song writer. The whole white boy Louis Armstrong thing still grates on me, but not to the point of red hot rage like it once did.

I had a dream about my friend that stopped being a Christian recently. Then the dream changed and I was in my old room in California with my little brother. He was asleep and I was trying to sleep. I went to our closet which turned out to be huge. I turned on the light and looked around, seemed like a boat house or something. When I came back in our room James was up and playing video games. Then he started telling me how he doesn't believe in Jesus anymore. Then my whole family woke up and started hanging out, laughing about how weird we are. I woke up feeling really sad.

In My Eyes

Being a drug free adult is really isolating sometimes, but I have never regretted it for a second. Drinking and smoking are still dumb to me, but its even more dumb that people need me to drink with them in order to feel comfortable. I feel seriously insulted by it. I know its not something to get hung up about, and that its not really on this or that person, its just a system we're all caught up in, but I won't be sucked into that world. If we're gonna have a human connection, its gotta be analog, baby. I won't accept anything less than reality. Its something I rarely talk about for a number of reasons but its something I'm pretty fired up about all the same, just as much as I was at 17.

I love being straight edge and I wish I had more friends that felt the way that I feel. Its such a positive thing, and in my mind terribly romantic, in that reality is so much wilder and more unruly and challenging than the alternative. I don't need a ton of people to feel the same, but it deflates me a little from time to time knowing that something I see so clearly is not important to anyone else.

Through the darkness of futures past, the magician longs to see. One chance out between two worlds; fire walk with me.

Last night I had a dream about Jonathon Strange and Mr. Norrell, it was really cool. That is one of my very favorite books, you should read it so we can talk about it!

I've been in Arkansas for almost 3 weeks, I don't want to leave. I am going back to Seattle tomorrow and I gotta spend my first Christmas away from my family. "Life's hard so I gotta be hard too!"

Really anxious to finish this dang recording. It's gonna be really good I think. I've started writing a few new songs, not too sure about them but I never am. I hate writing lyrics so much, its stresses me out.